Hello and welcome to my comedy fanfic, A Dota Story! I have edited all fifteen chapters, including the prequel onto the first post. Read and enjoy!
Prequel - A WAR OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
Horns blared, and the sentinels cheered as they prepared for war. This time they were going to win, they knew it. This was going to be their day. The sentinels were lead by Purist Thunderfart, one of the best paladins ever to come under the silver hand. Thunderfart's ability to...
Purist: STOP CALLING ME THUNDERFART WILL YOU! MY NAME IS THUNDERWRATH! AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUNNY!
All of a sudden, Thunderfart started going crazy, shouting at no one in particular.
Purist: YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHO IM TALKING TO! AND IF YOU CALL ME THUNDERFART ONCE MORE, IM WALKING OUT ON YOUR STORY!
DaPwnageGuy(me): Allright, allright. You dont have to get emotional you know.
So, Thunderwrath's ability to heal his allies while simultaneously damaging the scourge, and a few other abilities which I dont really feel like mentioning right now, made him an excellent general and a feared enemy. Anyway, getting back to the war-
Furion: Humans, Orcs and Elves. Brothers and Sisters of the Sentinel! Today we cleanse our lands and drive out the vile scourge! Today we win! FOR ELUNE, FOR VICTORY!!
At this, the scourge start clapping.
Kel'thuzad: WHAT ARE YOU STANDING HERE AND CLAPPING FOR YOU IDIOTS! GO AND KILL THEM ALL!!
Kel'thuzad(to himself): Damn, that Furion. His stupid speeches always excite my troops more than his...
Harsh undead shouts then shattered the air, and a deafening roar burst from the scourge and sentinels as they rushed into the conflict.
Jah'rakal the troll warlord was breaking through the scourge ranks, bashing their skulls with as much force as he could muster. However, a new wave of scourge creeps suddenly came and surrounded him.
Jah'rakal: Ah..this is going to get interesting...
Jah'rakal then proceeded to punch himself hard in the head, and went all reddish-orangeish in colour. He then started laughing like a madman who has just punched himself hard in the head, and killed every single one of the creeps surrounding him.
Kel'thuzad, meanwhile was having trouble with Pudge..
Kel'thuzad: PUDGE, QUICKLY! DISMEMBER!
Kel'thuzad: HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY YOUR COMMANDER! ITS AN ORDER!DISMEMBER NOW!
Pudge: No, Pudge is now vegetarian.
Kel'thuzad: VEGETARIAN? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
Pudgethevegetarian: If Pudge eat meat, then Pudge become fat, and everyone at school call Pudge fatty.
The sentinels proceed to completely anhilate the scourge, thanks to Purist's Guardian Angel and a few gigantic burning rocks thrown in by me in order to end this story quickly.
Kel'thuzad: Azgalor, we need to do something fast, before we are forced to retreat.
Azgalor: There is only one thing that we can do now..
Kel'thuzad: What is it? Tell me quick!
Azgalor: With the help of a few necromagi, I believe DarkTerror can open up a portal through time, which can suck in scourge champions from different time zones.
Kel'thuzad: Ingenious..If the great Sargeras makes an appearance through that portal, then I believe this battle is won.
Azgalor: Very well then, I will summon them here.
Darkterror appears along with a a group of six highly skilled necromagi, and they set to work. Within a few minutes, the portal is complete.
Kel'thuzad: Well, what are you waiting for? Activate the portal.
The portal shimmers brightly as DarkTerror activates it, going from purple to yellow and from yellow to green, signifying that someone is about to make an appearance.
All eyes are riveted on the portal, as a dark and sinister figure steps out from it....
Ash Ketchup: I am Ash Ketchup and I want to be the Pokemon master!
Azgalor: GET OUT YOU PIECE OF POKEMON FILTH! WE ARE ALL DIGIMON FANS HERE!
[Azgalor beheads Ash Ketchup with his with that long metal thingy he carries].
Kel'thuzad: Damn, nothing is working Azgalor. I suggest we retreat now and recuperate at the scourge base. Maybe we can come up with a better plan.
Azgalor(calling out to the scourge): FALL BACK! RETREAT! BACK EVERYONE! BACK TO BASE!
The scourge then retreat, not managing to drown out the deafening roar of victory from the sentinels...
As they go back, Akasha and Anub'arak somehow manage to capture Purist and hold him as hostage, which leads us to-
Chapter 1: The Iceman
The iceman, i mean, the lich king, was angry at two things: One-They were losing the war, and two- Anub'arak was late. Again.
Lich King: ANUB'ARAK U OVERSIZED SAD EXCUSE FOR A BEETLE!COME HERE AT ONCE!
Anub'arak: Sorry sir, what was it you wanted?
Lich King: DIDNT I TELL YOU TO PICK UP MY COFFEE FROM STARBUCKS?
Anub'arak: No sir, a six foot beetle with spikes on its back would look a little odd in starbucks, so u sent Kael to do the job.
Lich King: Oh, right, sorry for bothering you.
Anub'arak: NONO DONT APOLOGIZE!EVERYTHING IS OK WITH THE BEETIL MASTIR, FOR THE BEETIL MASTIR FORGIVES EVERYONE!
Lich King: Wtf?
Anub'arak: Forgive me, sir, but I have recently acquired a disease called mukoobites, in which the affected person can suddenly go out of control and shout random nonsense out of lame comedy fanfics in dotastrategy.com.
Lich King: Err..allright..u may go.
[Anubarak leaves, and Kael comes in]
Kael: Here is the capuccino u ordered, sir.
Lich King: Thanks, Kael, u may go now.
Kael: I will, but can i first ask u a simple question, sir?
Lich King: Yes, what is it?
Kael: Er..i dont mean to be rude..but how will u drink the capuccino, being a block of ice, and all?
Lich King: Nah, its not for drinking, its to cure my frostbite.
Kael: Oh, ok that would explain it. I take ur leave then sir.
[Kael leaves, leaving the lich king to cure his frostbite]
Meanwhile, at the sentinel base..
Furion: [Sighs] Magina, you should respect elders, not fantasize about them while they are in the shower..
Magina: [Tearing his gaze away from the naked chen] Sorry father, I promise you it wont happen again.
Furion: If you say so Magina..if you say so...Anyway, Im assigning you, Lina, Sven, Mortred and Yurnero to a very important task...something that might guarantee our victory against the skoorj.
Magina: Its pronounced sk-ur-ge not skoorj.
Furion: W/e, at least i didnt fail in my english exam like you did.
Magina: I never gave an ennglish exam...
Furion: STFU AND DONT ARGUE WITH ME BOY!
Magina: I am sorry father. Btw, what are the details of my mission?
Furion: First rally Lina, Sven, Mortred, and Yurnero. I shall explain when all of them are here.
[Magina sets off in the forest to search for his comrades].
Furion: Good, now i can get back to business.
Chapter 2: The Mission
[In Sven's Backyard]
Author: Oh right, srry.
[In Sven's House]
Magina: Hey Sven, Father is sending us on a mission.
Sven: What Mission?
Magina: I dont know, he will only tell us when we gather Lina, Mortred and Yurnero and bring them to him.
Sven: Allright then, let us embark upon a long and arduous journey that will be filled with dangers and perils at every step!
Magina: W/e Sven, lets go find Mortred.
[Magina and Sven find Mortred in a boxing ring, where she is having a boxing match with a Russian famer named Petrovitch]
Bald Commentator(who is hungarian btw): And that is a glorious uppercut by Petrovitch, too bad it missed, Mortred counters with a well-aimed Blink Strike, wait, wtf is a blink strike? Ah, who cares..So she counters with a blink strike..
[Continues in this fashion]
Magina: No wonder they call her Mortred, the boxing assassin.
Sven: Its Phantom Assassin, not boxing assassin.
[Match gets over with Petrovitch being KO'ed due to Mortred's Coup De Grace]
Referee: And the winner is...Mortred!
[Mortred raises her hands, expecting to see people clapping for her, but unfortunately the ring is empty except for Magina and Sven, who are playing Checkers]
Sven(looking up from his checkers game): kk the match is over. Magina, go and tell her about the mission.
[Magina blinks to Mortred, says something to her, and after Five Minutes our zeroes, I mean heroes, are off looking for Yurnero].
Chapter 3: The Narutard
[Magina has gone to get Lina while Mortred and Sven search for Yurnero]
Mortred: Damn, where is that asshole Yurnero? We have been looking for the past -bleep- hour and he is nowhere to be seen.
Sven: The last place we look for is in the Sentinel training yard. If he is not there, then i say we get a substitute.
[Just as they enter the training yard]
Yurnero the Juggernaut: SHARINGAN!!
Sven: Hey Yurnero, whats sharingan?
Yurnero the Juggernaut: Who's Yurnero? I am Sasuke Uchiha.
[Otto, Tuddrussel and Larry of the time squad suddenly appear]
Otto: Wow, It really is the great Juggernaut Yurnero...I am honored to meet you sir. I am Otto and these are my friends Tuddrussel and Larry.
Larry: Sir Yurnero, we are from the year 3000, and work for the time squad, travelling back in time whenever dota heroes start acting like naruto characters.
Yurnero the Juggernaut: As I have already said before, I am not Yurnero, I am Sasuke Uchiha.
Tuddrussel: No ur not, ur a crazed narutard who thinks he has sharingan.
Yurnerothecrazednarutardwhothinkshehassharingan: YOU DARE INSULT THE UCHIHAS?
Otto: No sir, ignore Tuddrussel he didnt mean it.
Yurnero: THATS IT!!I AM GOING TO WIPE YOU ALL OUT!
Sven: This might get rough.
Mortred: Guess not.
[Yurnero then tries to perform a chidori, ending up not making a scratch on the time squad]
Mortred: Wtf, this guy is worse than a world of warcraft addict.
Sven: Yeah, it looks like its up to us to kill these freaks.
[Sven and Mortred finish of the time squad in seconds]
Mortred: Now we go to Furion and wait for Magina and Lina to arrive.
[Lina and Magina are meanwhile fighting an Ogre who has been flirting with Lina by giving her lame one-liners].
Ogre(to Lina): I need a map..for I am lost in your eyes..
[Lina gets so pissed off that she instantly uses laguna blade on the Ogre. However, just before she deals the finishing blow, a bolt of lightning appears out of nowhere, killing the ogre and, for some unknown reason, also strikes a bear named Yogi, who is not related to this story]
Magina: We need to find the others..they are probably waiting for us with father.
Chapter 4: The Journey Begins
Furion: Ok, so everyone is here? (rubs hands) Allright, let's get to business then. Your mission is...to give me a mushroom haircut.
Furion: Jk, here's the real thing: Our armies have defeated the scourge, and will soon launch an attack on the frozen throne. However, the scourge has managed to capture our greatest general, Purist Thunderfart...er..Thunderwrath, and are threatening to kill him unless we retreat. I will call our forces back, just for a short while, so that you five can sneak in undetected and rescue him.
Sven: This, sire, is a responsibility that I shall bear honorably, to the best of my strength and ability!!
[Everyone rolls their eyes except Magina, who tries, but then remembers that he is blind].
Magina: How do we get to Purist Thunderfart...er..Thunderwrath?
Furion: Ask Dexter.
Furion: Jk again, Thunderfart...er..Thunderwrath is being held hostage by Anub'arak, so you'll probably find him in the evening tavern.
Magina: I take your leave then, father.
Furion: Goodbye son.
[Magina and the others leave].
Furion: Well, back to work then.
[Runs off to play bowling buddies again].
At the scourge base:
Anub'seran: They are coming, like you said they would.
Lich King: Good, good. Now summon Pudge to me.
Pudge: What master want from Pudge?
Lich King: Pudge, I am sending you with some of our champions to wipe out this bunch of idiots Furion has sent to retrieve Thunderfart...er..Thunderwrath.
Pudge: NO!PUDGE NO WANT FIGHT!PUDGE IS LEARNIG TO MASTURBATE!
[Pudge runs off to masturbate]
Lich King: Teenagers...they're all the same. Looks like only the two of them will be going.No matter, it shall be enough.
Chapter 5: Wtfdoihavetonameeverychapter
[As Magina and the others are leaving the sentinel base they come across Ulsfaar trying to lose weight by running on a treadmill, and a crazy little blue dragon who is trying to convince everyone that he is the tooth fairy].
Magina: Man, am I glad that's over with. Why can't people just be normal like us for once...
Yurnero: You said it.
Lina: Hey Magina, while we walk, please tell me why all Demon Hunters have those cool looking markings on their chest..
Magina: Markings?Nah, i got them tattooed to impress some guy...er.. i mean girl.
Lina: They're still cool!
Ten minutes ago, at the scourge base:
Lich King: Terrorblade and Balanar are ready then?
Anub'seran: Yes sir.
Lich King: Good, summon them here.
Lich King: Where is Balanar?
Terrorblade: Didnt you know sir?
Lich King: Know what?
Terrorblade: Well...Balanar has permanently changed his name to Alfred and has emigrated to New Zealand.
Lich King: Why did he do that?
Terrorblade: Oh, he wanted to cure his night blindness.
Lich King: DAMMIT!Very well then, Anub'seran shall go with you.
Anub'seran: That is allright sir, but isnt two against five unfair?
Lich King: Nvm, just tell them to close the top lane.
[Anub'seran and Terrorblade set off]
Chapter 6: The two sides meet
On the way to Northrend:
[Lina is bugging Magina to no end, while he is trying his best to avoid her].
Lina: After all this is like, over, you must go out with me.
Lina: Why? Is there like, something wrong with me?
Magina: No..it isnt you...
Lina: Then what is it??
Magina(looking sober): There is...another.
Lina(looking horrified): Who??
Magina(looking away): He is...
Lina(looking angry): He???(eyes widening)Magina, are you what I think you are?
Magina(looking ashamed): Probably..
Lina(looking horrified again): You're..You're...You're a female demon hunter with a male name!
[Somewhere in Zimbabwe, a man slaps his head]
Mortred: No you idiot, he's gay.
Lina: He doesnt look happy to me...
[The man in Zimbabwe slaps his head again]
Mortred: Omg, forget it. Just forget it..
After a short while:
Sven: We have lost ourselves...again.
Lina: Lets like, ask that big cool tree dude over there for like, directions.
Sven(to the big cool tree dude): Sir, can you kindly tell us the way to reach Northrend?
Rooftrellen: I cannot speak, for I am a tree.
Sven: Please sir..
Rooftrellen: No, I cannot speak, for I am a tree, and trees do not speak, so I cannot speak, for I am a tree.
Sven: Erm...right. Well, see you then.
Mortred: There is a sentinel prison up ahead. We can ask the guards there for directions.
[As they begin walking, Terrorblade and Anub'seran appear]
Magina: OMG ITS A GB!RUN!
[Everyone runs away]
Magina: NO WAIT!THERE ARE ONLY TWO OF THEM!(starts counting)
AND I THINK WE ARE MORE THAN TWO!!
[Everyone runs back]
Chapter 7: Streetfight
As soon as Lina sees Terrorblade:
Lina: MAGINA YOU TRAITOR! I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH US!
Magina: What are you talking about? I’m here.
As Lina is a being of higher intelligence, her noticing two identical demon hunters leads to a highly intelligent comment-
Lina: OMYGOD! ITS RAINING CLONES!
Magina: Relax Lina. That is my brother Terrorblade. We’re twins.
Lina: What, both of you?
Magina chose to ignore that question.
Anub’seran: Enough of this mindless banter. Aren’t you scared sentinels? I am the most deadly and feared Nerubian ever born into this land. I am the greatest warrior of the Scourge. I AM ANUB’SERAN, THE NERUBIAN LEAVER!!
Anub’seran: Oh right, sorry for the typo.
Sven: I do not care who or what you are, spider-boy. To me, you are just a filthy pawn of Nerz’hul.
Terrorblade: How dare you…KILL THEM ANUB’SERAN! FOR THE LICH KING!
At this, Anub’seran turned himself invisible and charged at the Sentinels, while Terrorblade conjured an image and hid behind a bush.
And a ferocious battle began as Mortred threw a dagger at Anub’seran, Lina shot a wave of fire at him, Sven took out his halberd, and Yurnero started making cool looking Japanese hand signs.
Mortred: MAGINA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING THERE? COME AND HELP US!
Magina: Er…Im…um…scared of spiders…
Mortred then made a face and a rude hand gesture which looked somewhat like this-
Anub’seran was meanwhile dodging every attack the Sentinels threw at him, by going invisible at just the right time and whenever he was even close to getting slightly hurt, he pressed ‘T’ and threw himself five seconds into the past.
Sven: Wow, this guy cannot be killed. At this rate, there is only one thing to do.
DOGS, GIVE ME STRENGTH!
For some unimaginable reason, nothing happened.
Sven: Oh, sorry.
GODS, GIVE ME STRENGTH!
Overflowing with power, Sven took out a magical hammer from nowhere and threw it at Anub’seran. However, he forgot which hand his hammer was in, and threw his halberd instead. The halberd collided with Anub’seran’s head, and cleaved it cleanly in two.
Mortred: Good job Sven. Now we kill the other one.
Magina: No point. I was fighting Terrorblade when you four were busy with the Nerubian. The coward just left an image of himself.
Mortred: Hmm..he could still be here. I suggest we look around for a while and see if we can find him.
Terrorblade: Damn, they are looking for me. I better come up with something quickly..
And in the ten seconds he had left before the sentinels found him, Terrorblade came up with a brilliant plan-
Terrorblade(suddenly jumping out): LOOK EVERYBODY! IT'S FRED FLINTSTONE!
The Sentinels(and an insomniac raccoon standing nearby): OOOH! WOW!
[Terrorblade runs away].
After a while:
The Sentinels(and the insomniac raccoon standing nearby): Oh no! He tricked us!
Chapter 8: Doobies
Sven: So, what do we do now?
Mortred: Well, we have lost our way.. our only hope now is if someone can give us directions at the sentinel prison. Its not too far from here.
Magina: We don’t have a choice. Lead the way.
Sven: Its going to be a long walk. But don’t worry, that is not how you all shall feel after you have listened to some of my hilarious jokes!
Magina: Go on.
Sven: Okay, tell me, what happened when the bear was shot?
Magina: I don’t know, what?
Sven: He couldn’t ‘bear’ the pain! Haha!
Magina tried to laugh, but ended up making a hacking sound which sounded more like a cough.
Sven: And here’s the next one..
An hour and a hundred more of Sven’s “hilarious” jokes later-
Mortred: Ah, here we are. The sentinel prison.
The sentinels notice a huge centaur guarding the prison doors.
Bradwarden(In a british accent): Welcum to the sentinel prison. My name is Bradwurden. I know you, you’re Magin-uh. What do u want from here?
Magin-uh(In the same accent): Oh nothing, really. I just came to chat over a cup of tea, you know.
Bradwarden and Magina suddenly start drinking tea, and chat about Queen Elizabeth and the Pope.
Mortred: WTF ARE YOU TWO DOING? WE WANT TO KNOW DIRECTIONS, NOT WHAT THE POPE ATE FOR DINNER! AND WHATS UP WITH THE BRITISH ACCENT?
Magina: Oh sorry, I was caught up in the moment.
Bradwarden: Yeah, me too.
Mortred: Wow, I sometimes feel like, im in this retarded story or something.. .(To Bradwarden)Ok, forget about that now. Can you please give us directions to the scourge base?
Bradwarden: The scourge base, you say? Come with me. I have a map of its location.
Bradwarden leads the sentinels inside and then looks confused.
Magina: What happened? Have you forgotten the way?
Bradwarden: Oh, don’t worry. I know this place like the palm of my hand.
[Bradwarden slams into a wall].
Bradwarden: I’m okay!
Magina suddenly noticed Syllabear locked up in a cell.
Magina: Huh? How did you get here?
Syllabear: I was sued by Icefrog for continuously causing bugs in Dota maps.. and since I didn’t have any money, he put me in jail.
Magina: Rofl poor nub.
Bradwarden then spots the map, and hands it over to the sentinels. With its help, he shows them how to get to the scourge base.
Lina, however, didn’t understand anything that Bradwarden said.
Lina: Ok thanks, Bradwarden, I get it now!
Everyone suddenly stared at Lina suspiciously.
Lina: What? I got it, really!
Mortred: Okay then, Thanks a lot for your help Brad. We’ll be on our way now.
Bradwarden: Bye! Bring back balloons for me!
Mortred raised an eyebrow.
Bradwarden: Oh sorry, I was caught up in the moment again.
The sentinels left and as they began their journey towards the scourge base, Magina felt lonely. He remembered the first time he met the love of his life…
For Magina, it was truly love at first sight. A body so slender, a face so beautiful. Magina stared and stared at this human, who seemed to him the most sexy human on earth.
Ezalor: Who’re you staring at, punk?
Magina: Hey babe. I’m Magina, but you can call me Magina. Wanna go watch a movie?
Ezalor: But you’re a male and you’re 150 years younger than me.
Magina: Hey, lets not include the minute details, shall we? Now, do you want to watch a movie with me or not?
Ezalor: Okay, sure!
*End of flashback*
Magina sighed. He was missing Ezu so much. He would surely propose to him as soon as he got back.
Mortred: Hey, stop day-dreaming Magina! We’re almost there!
Chapter 9: Lost...again?
Mortred, it seemed, had made a "slight" mistake in reading the map. She then, for reasons unknown to the likes of mankind, handed over the map to Lina. The result was that the sentinels lost their way so badly that they almost ended up in a different story altogether.
Magina: Bah, I always knew women had no sense of direction.
[Mortred suddenly takes out a roller pin and smacks Magina on the head]
Magina: OW!What did I do?
Sven: We should have rescued Purist two days ago..Furion must be so worried..
Treant: Sir, the sentinel warriors you had sent under Magina's leadership to rescue General Thunderwrath have not yet returned. Its been two days. I think they're dead.
Furion: Oh no! My father is dead!
[Furion punches himself in the nose and falls to the ground]
Treant: Sir, Magina is your son.
Furion: Thank God! At least Father is alive!
Treant: But sir, your father died 600 years ago.
Furion: Oh no! My father is dead!
[Furion punches himself in the nose and falls to the ground].
Magina: Yeah..I'm sure he's worried..
Sven: I think we should go back and tell Furion that we failed..because I dont see how we can reach the scourge. The place we are in right now isnt even located in Bradwarden's map.
Lina: Hey, I have an idea!
Lina : Let's take a taxi!
Mortred: We're in the middle of nowhere you fool. How do you expect to get a taxi here?
Next second, a taxi appears.
Mortred: Okay, now I'm convinced I'm in some sort of retarded story..
The taxi driver turned out to be a fat Russian man named Hopkins who liked collecting stamps.
Hopkins: But I don't collect stamps..
DaPwnageGuy(Me ofc): You collect stamps, if I say you collect stamps. Now stop questioning me and get back into the story.
Hopkins: Oh, okay.
Magina: Hey there driver! How much will you charge for a trip to the scourge base?
Hopkins: Nothing, friends. The honour of transporting noble young warriors like you guys would be the best fee i can get.
[Everyone starts feeling shy]
Sven: Thanks a lot driver. We will never be able to repay the kindness that you have shown us today.
An hour and a half later-
Hopkins: There you are. The scourge base. That'll be 17000 dollars.
Magina: WTF?! You said you would do it for free!
Hopkins: Yes, but that was uninclusive of taxes.
Magina: But we dont have 17000 dollars...
Hopkins: Either that, or one of you becomes my personal slave for life.
Everyone suddenly started staring at Yurnero.
Yurnero: Oh no...you wouldn't!
The sentinels(in a very creepy voice): Oh, we would..
[The sentinels smile at Yurnero and begin walking towards him]
Three and a half minutes of struggle later-
Yurnero: NO! YOU CANT DO THIS! I SHALL COMPLAIN TO THE UCHIHAS! NOOOOOOOO..
Hopkins: See you then.
[Hopkins drives away].
Mortred: Well, he wasn't of any use, anyway.
Sven: Yeah, it was either him, or Lina.
Lina: What did you say...
Magina: Okay, people. Listen to me. We are about to enter enemy territory. Try to stay together at all times, and whatever happens, stay calm, allright? There is absolutely no need to get tensed beca-
Unknown Voice: Hey, Magina!
Magina: OHMYGOD! ITS THE BOOGEYMAN!
[Magina runs and jumps into Sven's arms].
Chapter 10: Inside
Chen: Relax Magina! It's only me!
Reddening at the sight of his childhood crush, Magina jumped down from Sven's arms and opened his mouth to say hi-but all that come out was a croak.
Sven: Haha! Magina croaked! Now if someone put him in the fridge, we could call him Icefrog! Haha!
Sven started laughing like a madman, and when nobody else laughed, or even smiled, he stopped laughing.
Chen: ....Do you know how late you people are? The scourge might have killed Purist for all we know. And I thought there were five of you? Where's Yurnero?
Lina: Oh, we gave him to-
Magina(quickly closing Lina's mouth): He's um..he's gone to er..(starts thinking)he's gone to work!
Chen: And why is that?
Magina: He had to um..go to work?
Chen: Yeah sure Magina, and pigs fly!
Behind Chen, three pigs appear from nowhere and start flying.
Chen(turning around): Right..whatever. Anyway, I came here to help you rescue Purist. Come, we must go quickly.
The sentinels suddenly notice a figure approaching.
Chen: It must be one of the scourge. Quick, hide!
Everyone scrambles for cover .
The figure turned out to be none other than Akasha, the Queen of Pain.
Sven(nudging Magina): Eww, look at her! That woman wouldn't be hot even if she was on fire...
Magina: SHUT UP MAN! SHE MIGHT HEAR US!
And she heard them.
Akasha: Who's that?(looks around) Show yourself!
An idea struck Lina, like a bolt of lightning.
Lina: Don't worry! Everything is normal, five sentinel heroes that have come to rescue Purist Thunderwrath are not hiding here!
Akasha: Oh man, they're here. I must warn the Lich King...
Lich King: WTF?! WHY IS MY MYSPACE BLOG NOT WORKING? IT MUST BE THE JEWS! KILL THE JEWS! THE JEWS MUST DIE! HAHAHAH
Terrorblade: Take it easy sir! And please don't be racist, its not allowed in the forums.
Lich King: Oh right, sorry!
Akasha(breathing heavily]: They've come sir..and the legendary holy knight has come with them..
Lich King: I KNEW IT. SEND OUT OUR BEST WARRIORS! YOU AND ANUB'ARAK GO AND GUARD PURIST, AND SUMMON PUDGE TO ME NOW!
Akasha: Okay sir, please stop shouting.
Lich King: Sorry, my caps lock key was on again.
[Akasha goes, and comes back after a minute].
Lich King: Pudge, you must help us. You are one of the strongest members of the scourge, please help us in this fight at least.
Pudge: NO!PUDGE NO WANT FIGHT! PUDGE WANT BE MODEL!
[Pudge runs off to search for a bikini].
Lich King: Man wtf, that speech never works.
The Sentinels were meanwhile yelling at Lina.
Sven: You fool! Why did you have to go and say that? Now they know we are here..
Magina: Yeah! Can't you keep your mouth shut, for once?
Lina: Hey, if it wasn't for Magina, I wouldn't have said that! And don't call me a fool, I'm an intelligence hero, and I'm intelligenter than you!
Realizing that it was pointless, Magina and Sven and stopped yelling.
Chen: No point in crying over spilt milk. What's done, is done. Now follow me, and remember to be as quiet as possible.
Walking stealthily on tip-toes, the sentinels tried to be as quiet as possible and entered the scourge base-and immediately found themselves face to face with three scourge heroes.
Chapter 11: The Beginning*
*The chapter's title bears no relation to what's in it. I just named it that cuz it sounded cool.
The scourge's most fearsome warriors-Darkterror, a powerful being who was known to have control over time, Terrorblade(lolwut?) and Kel'thuzad, the Lich King's nanny personal assistant found themselves face-to-face(except Darkterror, for obvious reasons) with the five sentinels.
Terrorblade: RUN! They'll kill us! (Tries to run away)
Darkterror: Come back here you filthy little coward. Try to run, and the Lich King will know.
Chen(menacingly): You fiends! Tell us where Purist is!
Kel'thuzad(softly): You'll have to kill us first!
Darkterror(in a determined whisper): Yeah!
Terrorblade(loudly): He's locked up in a cage somewhere near the evening tavern! Now please, let me go!
[Darkterror hits Terrorblade on the head]
Darkterror: Shut up, will you!
Chen: Whatever, We'll kill you anyway. ATTACK!
Confusion arises as everyone starts fighting with each other, furiously pushing mid and trying to animation-cancel.
Noticing the word "confusion" in the above sentence, Terrorblade quietly slips away. However, unknown to him, Lina sees this and begins to follow.
Five minutes later-
Terrorblade: Ah, good, I think I have lost them.
Lina: Oh no you didn't! (raises her hands to cast a spell)
Terrorblade: No, wait! Don't attack me!
Lina: And why shouldn't I? You're one of the scourge, our sworn enemies! (raises her hands again)
Terrorblade: But you wouldn't attack a blind man!
Lina: You're blind? I don't believe you.
Terrorblade: Look, I'll prove it to you. You see that tree? (points to a nearby tree)
Lina: Yeah, why?
Terrorblade: Well, I don't!
Lina: Oh you poor dear! Go, I would never attack a blind person!
Terrorblade gleefully runs away, and a sign that says "JACKASS" appears above Lina's head.
Sven was fighting for his life. Using his halberd like someone who was really good at using a halberd, he was trying his best to kill Darkterror. However, this was getting increasingly difficult.
Sven: Why are my attacks having no effect on you?
Darkterror: That's because of my backtrack skill.
Sven: And how does that work?
Darkterror: Well, you see, it's like this. When you hit me, I go back in time and dodge your attack, so I didn't actually go back in time to dodge it, but if I didn't go back, then I would have gotten hit causing me to go back in time again, so I would have to go back in time to dodge it , and if I succeeded in going back you would never have attacked me, and as....
Darkterror continues like this, until-
Sven(who, by this time, was as confused as a hacker who wanted to hack www.rej.net/php?but ended up hacking www.rej.net/php! instead): Ok, stop, I get it already!
Magina, meanwhile, could not concentrate as he could not resist the temptation of staring at Chen's ass.
Magina: Wow! Big!
I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!
Chen: Eh? Where is that song coming from?
YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY!
Chen: WILL YOU PLEASE TURN THAT OFF!
AmC: Heh heh sorry.
Chen: Some people...
At this point, Darkterror suddenly appeared next to them, ready to cast a chronosphere..
Chen: Everyone, back!
Everyone retreated except Mortred, who got trapped in the chronosphere, and was immediately killed by Darkterror.
Magina: What was that bubble? It stopped time? Man, that had to be the weirdest thing I ever saw in my life!
Roshan, wearing a shirt entitled "Beach Babe" suddenly ran past the sentinels.
Magina: Okay, maybe the second weirdest thing...
Chen: That was close...we don't have much time. Magina, go to the evening tavern and get Purist. Me and Sven can hold or own against these two.
Chapter 12: To the Rescue
Luna: Master Furion! Magina's group has been gone for too long, I suggest we forget about Purist and send our armies to finish this battle!
Chicken: Er, why are you talking to a chicken?
Luna: Eh? Oh, sorry about that, I was just rehearsing my speech, Furion makes me a lil bit nervous you know..
Furion suddenly appears, Luna sees him, screams, and falls off her panther.
Furion: I heard you Luna, do not worry, for I shall definitely send my families to get the rattle!
Luna: No sir, I said, "Send our armies to finish the battle".
Back at the scourge base-
Darkterror: You sent the Anti-Mage to search for your Omniknight? How foolish, you shall never find where we have kept him!
Chen: Who're you to judge my actions, scum?
Darkterror: You dare insult the great Darkterror..on his face?
Sven: Well technically, you don't have a face, being the Faceless Void and everything, so..
Chen: Please shut up Sven, before I leave this story in frustration..
Sven: Right, sorry!
Kel'thuzad: Allright, enough talking, now let's do it!
Sven: Do what?
Kel'thuzad: You know..it!
Sven: What, anal?
Kel'thuzad: I meant fight..
Sven: Oh, okay!
Darkterror raised his club, Kel'thuzad straightened up(actually he's always straight, but he doesn't have a weapon, and I had to write something), Sven took out his halberd, and Chen minimised and activated warkeys.
Sven: WTF! Who's lagging?
Darkterror: Man, it's that idiot Chen. Looks like he alt tabbed.
Chen: Sorry bout that, now we can fight!
And so..they fought.
Having no idea what to do, Lina was walking around aimlessly, until she saw Magina, who was searching for Purist.
Magina: Man, am I glad I ran into you Lina! Father had told us where Purist's being held hostage, do you remember?
Lina: Yeah stupid, he's being held hostage in the scourge base!
Magina(Sighing): It's times like this when I feel like banging my head with a hammer and reading Jack and the Beanstalk ..
[To Lina] I know that Lina, but where, in the scourge base..
Lina: Oh, I remember him saying that Purist was being held hostage in the evening tavern, by Anub'arak.
All of a sudden, a bunch of ghouls and abomintations appeared.
Magina: Oh my god! Lina, run!
After a while..
Lina: Whew, that was close..where are we?
Vargeras the lile: You are at the secret shop, my friends, and I am Vargeras the lile. You may call me, Vargeras the lile.
Magina(who, for some reason, was instantly attracted to Vargeras): Man, you're hot! Can I have your number?
Lina: What's wrong with you Magina? We're in the middle of a mission here, and how do you know that Vargeras is gay?
Vargeras: Well actually, I'm already dating this cool old guy named Ezalor.
Magina: Ezalor? He's mine! Why, that double timer! I'm gonna..
Lina: WILL YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT EZALOR AND CONCENTRATE ON THIS MISSION?
Magina: Allright, sheesh, you don't have to be so uptight..so Vargeras, what do you sell?
Vargeras: Whatever you want..I got Point Boosters, Void Stones, Rings of Health..
Magina: I don't have any money, Lina, do you have anything?
Lina: Wait, let me check..
Lina opens her purse, takes out a few coins, tissues, cards, a psp, nitrogen bombs, and a paper which says "Please turn over" on both sides.
Magina: And what is the point of that?
Lina: Haha, that's such a great thing! It keeps me ouccupied for hours!
Magina: Right..whatever..sorry Vargeras, looks like we don't have any money.
Abomination(appearing suddenly): There! Kill!
Magina: Man, looks like we have to go, I'm sorry we couldn't get to know each other better, Vargeras.
Lina: They're right behind us! GO!
Blinking away like there was no "b" button on his keyboard, Magina ran away as fast as he could. However, in his hurry, he got separated with Lina.
Lina(looking around): Man, where'd he go?
At that moment, Lina saw two scourge heroes approaching from the distance. She hid behind a tree, and listened to their conversation as they passed by.
Akasha: Ah, how I pity those foolish Sentinels! As soon as they get below Purist's cage, a trapdoor below activates and sends them to their doom..
Azgalor: You shouldn't say that in public you know..
Akasha: Bah! Who would hear me? It isn't like a sentinel hero is hiding behind that tree, is there?
Azgalor: Hmm, I guess you're right.
Lina: A trap! I must warn Magina..
I jst had de bst cookie lul
Chapter 13: I have no idea why I wrote the above
On Furion's command, the Sentinel army had marched over to the scourge base, and had begun their attack. (If you're wondering how they got there so quickly, this is NOT a plot hole,they were choppered in).
Davion: And we're in men! CHAAAAAAAARGE!
The battle betweeen Sven, Chen, Darkterror and Kel'thuzad was still going on, though now the scourge were clearly winning.
Chen(gasping for breath): We can't keep this up anymore Sven..looks like I'm going to have to use my last skill..
GOD, GIVE ME YOUR HAND!
Sven:WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FOOL? THIS IS NO TIME TO BE GETTING MARRIED!
Chen: I'm not getting married man, this spell will heal our wounds..
Sven: oh.... Well, I actually knew that heh-heh. I was just um..practising what to say in case you really got married..
It would be best then not to describe what Chen's reaction was, as it involved too many hand gestures and words which would be inappropriate for a clean fanfic like this one.
Chen: FCUK OFF SVEN YOU IRRITATING BASTARD -bleep- YOU'VE BEEN IRRITATING THE -bleep- OUT OF ME SINCE WE -bleep- GOT HERE -bleep- FAGGOT
Sven: Wow, and you're supposed to be pure..
Anyway, due to Chen's ultimate, the Sentinels continued their fight with renewed vigour.
Magina, meanwhile, had finally found Purist.
Purist: Is that you Magina? Oh my God, it is! Come on, come here quickly and untie these ropes.
Magina: Sure, hold on, I'll be right there.
At that moment, Lina suddenly appeared.
Lina(running forward): Wait Magina! Don't go any further, there's a trap somewhere here!
Saying this, she kept running forward and fell straight into the trap.
Lina: OMG! THE EARTH HAS BROKEN!
Magina: Chill Lina, it was just a trapdoor..And what is that sound?
Lina's falling into the trap had triggered a bell that was ringing loudly, after which Anub'arak arrived.
Anub'arak: Halt! One more step Nathan, and I pull the trigger.
Anub'arak: I mean, one more step, and I kill your friend!
Man, I must stop watching those action movies..
Magina: Hold it! Maybe we can work a deal here.
Anub'arak: No deal, it's your money or your life!
Anub'arak: Man, what is WRONG with me?
[To Magina]: Err.. I mean, no deal. Tell Furion we aren't going to release Purist unless we receive proper information that his army has retreated.
Magina: What if I gave you a free cookie?
Anub'arak: A free cookie? Do you think I'm stupid, puny mortal? You try to bribe Anub'arak, the famed assassin, with a cookie?
Magina: Two free cookies?
With Anub'arak out of the way, Magina untied Purist, and ran off to search for his comrades.
Lina: Hey, you forgot me!
W ith Anub'arak out of the way, Magina untied Purist, got Lina out of the trap, and ran off to search for his comrades.
Chapter 14: Potato Chips
Azgalor: Sir, they've invaded, killed most of our men and rescued Thunderwrath. It's over sir, we're screwed sir!
Lich King: Take it easy Azgalor..there is still a way...
Azgalor: What way sir? And why is your text italicized?
Lich King: Oh, I just thought it would be, you know, cool and everything..but that's not the point. I have finally found out a way to take on a physical form.
Azgalor: How can you do that sir?
Lich King: Well, I would tell you, except for..well..the author of this story can't think of a good reason right now. So..just get me the dead body of any one of our heroes.
Having rescued Purist, Magina and Lina were trying to find their way out, when they suddenly ran into Akasha.
Purist: Dammit, it's the same ugly flat chested bitch that kidnapped me!
Akasha: You'll pay for that!(opens her mouth wide)
Purist: Quick, cover your ears!
Akasha suddenly let out an insanely loud scream, Magina and Purist, standing far away and covering their ears, weren't affected, but Lina, unfortunately, got the full blast of it.
Lina: OMG MY EARS! MY EARS! HALP
Purist: Look what you've done to her, emily!
Purist: Dammit, this is what happens when you spend a month with Anub'arak.. (To Akasha): Face my wrath Akasha!
Lina(who, was finding it very difficult to hear): What? Who wants to race me to the bath?
Ignoring Lina, Purist charged at Akasha. In the bloody battle that ensued, Akasha was killed.
Purist: Good. The bi*ch deserved to die.
Lina: Im not a snitch, and I don't deserve to cry!
Magina: Dammit, now she's stupid as well as deaf..
At that same moment, war cries erupted from somewhere in the scourge base.
Purist: That's the sentinel war cry! The sentinels are here! Quick, we must trace their sound!
Lina(pointing towards the right): I think it came from somewhere on the left!
Magina(controlling the urge to smack Lina on the head): No wait, I think I know where it came from, follow me...
After a while,Magina found the sentinel armies, who were in a furious battle with the last of the scourge.
Davion: Purist, you're alive! Great to have you back man!
Davion and Purist hug, watched closely by Magina, who starts to lick his lips, and tries to grab Davion's butt.
Davion: Wtf are you doing?
Magina(suddenly withdrawing his hand): Nothing, nothing Davion! I just wanted to..erm..check out how warm your armor was!
Davion(staring at Magina suspiciously): Right, anyway, we have no time to waste. Let's resume the figh-
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge hammer was making it's way towards Magina..
Purist: QUICKLY! DUCK MAGINA!
Lina: What? Who wants to -bleep- my vagina?
Just in time, Magina ducked, and Purist and Davion immediately got into a furious battle with King Leoric.
Chapter 15: ISuckAtEndingStories
Anub’arak was, once more, discussing their best option to survive the sentinel armies with the Lich King..
Anub’arak: Sir, do you think we could capture Purist again? I mean, it’s not too hard, we just have to go get some tuxedos, learn how to speak Italian, steal a cool looking red car and grab a couple of pistols. Then we drive through the battle while shooting out of the window and pull Purist into the car with a grey hanger and drive back.
Lich King: Anyone tell you that you watch too many action movies?
Anub’arak: Err..no, not really..
LichKing: That’s a horrible plan anyway. Wait for my possession to be complete, and THEN THE SENTINELS WILL FACE THE WRATH OF NER’ZHUL! MUAHAHAHAHA!
LichKing: Okay, now you spoilt it.
At the battle scene:
Lina and Chen were trying their luck with Balanar.
After a lot of furious fighting..
Balanar: Now let’s see what you pathetic fools can do..
Balanar then pressed the ‘R’ button. Day turned into night, nothing could be seen, everything was dark.
Chen: Where is he? I can't see anything..
Lina: I don’t know..WAIT, SOMETHING JUST BRUSHED AGAINST MY RIGHT FOOT!
Chen(turning around): DIE BALANAR!
Lina: Oh wait, that was just my left foot..
Chen(To Himself): Do not get angry, do not get mad..do not get angry, do not get mad..
Purist: Dead! Finally!
Davion: Yeah, that Leoric was one tough nut.
Purist: I have underestimated the scourge. They are smart and sensible.
Broodmother: Oh god, help me! Anub’seran had twenty-five children with me and now he says that he doesn’t love me! What will I do God, what will I do?
Purist(turning around): Haha, imagine how many children they would have if he really loved her!
Davion: Uh-Oh, I think she heard you..
Purist looked behind him, saw the look on Broodmother’s face, and ran for his life,learning an important lesson- never crack stupid jokes on angry pregnant females.
Medusa killed of a bunch of sentinel creeps, and found herself face-to-face with Magina.
As she generally hung around with people like Pudge and N’aix, she found Magina to be extremely attractive.
Medusa: Wow, Magina, you look sooo good…marry me please, I want to have babies with you..
Magina: But I can’t!
Medusa: Why? We will have the cutest kids!
Magina: Look, we can’t marry, and we can’t have babies, allright!
Medusa(teary eyed): Why..
Magina(trying his best to come up with a good excuse): Because..er..it’s hereditary in my family to have no babies!
Magina(realizing what he just said): No, wait..
Medusa: Haha, you’re so funny! Now I want to marry you even more!
Magina: Oh man
Meanwhile, Sven and Mirana were battling it out with Clinkz, who had turned himself invisible.
Mirana: Be careful, he could be anywhere..
Four arrows suddenly made their way toward Sven.
Mirana(throwing herself in front of Sven): NOOOOOOO
Sven: Mirana, no!
Mirana: Im weak Sven, I think Im dying, you should have seen the arrows..
Sven: Arrows? I didn’t even see the Red Indians!HAHAHAHAHAHA YUKYUK
Mirana: Stop it
Mirana: Im going to die Sven, I need you to avenge me..kill clinkz so I can rest in peace..
And so she died.
Mad with anger and sadness, Sven started to chase Clinkz until they reached a dead end, put in very conveniently by the author of this story.
Sven: Now you will die Clinkz!
Sven took out his halberd, threw out his chest, activated God's strength, lifted his hammer and uttered a war cry.
Clinkz just turned invisible again.
Meanwhile, Broodmother finally caught up with Purist, and started madly attacking him. Purist’s clothes were torn to shreds, his hammer lay forgotten, and he started gushing out blood. Satisfied, broodmother left him and went away.
Purist(weakly): oh man..that hurt so bad…need..fountain..still..can survive..
Out of nowhere, thirteen huge boulders appeared and fell on Purist.
Due to the timely interference of Davion, Lina and Chen managed to beat Balanar, all thanks to Davion who used his ultimate skill and turned into an elder dragon.
Davion(turning back into his normal self): That was hard..
Lina: How would you know? You weren’t even there!There was this really powerful dragon that helped us though, you should have seen him fight.I wonder where he went?
Davion(To Himself): Do not get angry, do not get mad..do not get angry, do not get mad..
Meanwhile, the Lich King got hold of a physical form, and killed them all, which began a new era of lust and evil..
Magina: What? That’s it? It’s over? What a sucky ending!
AmC: Bleh, read the chapter's name again..